As myself and the rest of the Robin Hood Films team gears up for the upcoming American Film Market, a large portion of our energies, as expected, are being spent on putting a shine on otherwise mediocre trailers and creating new artwork and, in some cases, new titles for films that might otherwise suffer for their lack of marketability.  (For those who don’t know, The American Film Market is an annual event which takes place in Santa Monica, CA where buyers from all over the world can meet with distributors and sales agents with product to license.  Along side the big studios and notable independent labels are many smaller players in the game, such as myself.  And just like in the U.S., there are buyers for dozens of territories around the world looking for big, medium and small feature films to take to theaters, TV, DVD, VOD and any other outlet they feel they can turn a profit in their territory.  This is the biggest event of it’s kind in the Western Hemisphere.)

At the show, buyers will be inundated with hundreds of films they’ve never heard of and trying to fill a quote for their company.  This might be as simple as “1 drama, 3 horror, 3 sci-fi, 2 comedy, all $1m-$3m budgets”.  If that is their agenda, and I have a horror film available, it’s my intention to make my film more desirable than my competition.  Now, of course, I can’t compete with Lionsgate shopping around “The Cabin in the Woods”, and fortunately I don’t have to.  Anyone looking for an A-list title like that has no interest in my little zombie film.  Of course, a buyer for Germany wanting “Cabin in the Woods” might have to pay $750k for those rights (probably not the best example as the really big films will actually get released in that country by the studio or the distributor they have a relationship with…but you get the point).  A small film like “Broken Springs: Shine of the Undead Zombie Bastards” might only cost $40k for all rights in Germany.

Now, I’m not sure if you caught it since I tried to slide it past you in the previous sentence, but the title of the film is “Broken Springs: Shine of the Undead Zombie Bastards”.  Or should I say the title “was”…..

Fortunately, the filmmaker, Neeley, has proven himself a pragmatic businessperson in that he’s deferred to my suggestion/advice/genius (people always get high marks for this!) and agreed to change the title and the poster.  The previous poster falls squarely into my previously posted concerns about bad posters (see below).  It was terrible, but as is often the case, resources were limited and the team knew whoever picked up the film would rework the artwork anyway. 

So what you see here is the new poster we commissioned from a very talented artist we’re happy to have on our team.  

Notice anything else?  Yes, we changed the title.  Very good…there’s no slipping anything past you.  Again with great insight, the filmmaker agreed that a new title could benefit the project as well.

The truth is, we got this film late last year and didn’t have time to rework the art or title and didn’t have any success with it at the show.  This year, our hopes are high.  The movie is the same but we have a product now that hardly needs viewing.  Our buyer from Germany or Brazil or the U.K. will look at this poster and say “Wow, we put that up on VOD and people will buy it based on that.”  And it’s all true.

Don’t be surprised to see “101 Zombies” in the local video stores (if you still have any in your neighborhood) or in Redbox and On Demand in the coming months.

And this is the point…no scratch that, as usual I have no  point….this is the TOPIC of today’s ramblings.

I’m not sure why, but today I recalled a filmmaker I met more than 10 years ago who wanted some help with his film.  I remembered it being an odd story and felt it was worth sharing because, as is often the case, there is a lessen to be learned.

This story took place around 2000.  I know the call I received was precipitated by a showing of my first film “Impact” of which there were two Vegas showings around this time.  A local man had attended a screening of “Impact” and had a movie of his own that he wanted help with.  We talked for a bit and he invited me by.  Since these were the days before Craig’s List and I was still green and naive, it never crossed my mind that this man may have had ulterior motives like having seen me at the screening, his beautiful daughter had immediately fallen in love with me and convinced her father to kidnap and drug me until I consented to marry her and take over their estate in the South or France.   Fortunately, that was not the case and the guy was actually a filmmaker.

I can’t recall his name and only spoke to him a few times all those years ago, so we’ll call him Gary.  Gary was probably in his 50s and a couple of years earlier decided he wanted to make a movie.  He had no background in this and, is often the case, his love of movies and a degree of confidence/arrogance, let him fool himself into believing that he could do better than most.  What started out as a $100k project quickly swelled into an $800,000 debacle.  Shot, as I recall, in California and Mexico, the producers he brought on board were interested in lining their pockets more than making a good, or even marketable, film.  They flew first class, paid themselves, collectively a couple hundred grand, stayed at the nicest hotels and had a healthy expense account (i.e. per diem).  The money went to “stars” who, at best, were B-level fading TV stars or C-level feature names.  This is another area my mind fails me as I recall two of the leads were familiar, but WAY below the standard you should get for an $800k film…or even half that budget for that matter.  The closest comparison I could make would be making an $800k film today with Lorenzo Lamas and Morgan Fairchild (not to impugn either of these notable legends).

The film was about, again if memory serves me, a soap company in Mexico that finds out their soaps, due to the “magical” nature of where the raw materials are pulled from, create a type of “love potion” for those who scrub down with it.  Surprisingly, this mind-blowing concept did not result in a great film.  If it weren’t for bad acting, a bad script, bad directing, and a bad everything-else, it might have been….actually, never mind, it was destined to suck no matter what.  What troubled me most and evoked a degree of sympathy from my otherwise black, cold lifeless heart, was the fact that Gary ended up selling pretty much everything he owned to finish the film.  When I met with him, he was living with his daughter here in Las Vegas as he ended up selling his house in L.A. to finish the project.  When you hear a story like this, you do appreciate the commitment and you really want to like the film; you really do root for the guy and hope he made a winner.  It was terrible.

The original title he had for the film was “Suds”, a play on the soap theme of the story.  I sat painfully with him and watched the whole film there in the living room of his daughter’s home while she was off at work.  There was nothing redeeming at all about it and this guy had put his life savings into it.  There was no chance of selling this film.  Perhaps, maybe, he could have made a deal with a distributor to get it out somewhere on DVD, but he was never going to see a dollar out of this project and I knew it.

The cluelessness of Gary continued when he told me his marketing plan.  Gary, you see, had had a stroke during this process, no doubt brought on by the stress of the movie and losing everything he owned as a result of it.  He had recovered except for the fact that he now had a noticeable stutter.  His master plan, as expressed to me, was that if he could raise a little more money, he would add a prologue, epilogue and some narration of an old man who was to be the male lead “looking back on this time in his life as soapmaker in Mexico”.  The biggest and best part, was that the narrator, the male lead, now an old man, would have a stutter…brought on by a recent stroke.  How and why does this have anything to do with the story or even have a place in a comedy?  He didn’t seem to have an answer for that, but his logic for this, at least in his mind, was without reproach – “3 million people in the country stutter and if even 10% watch my film, we’ll have a hit!”  If you don’t see the insanely flawed thinking in this statement, please leave this site immediately, unbookmark this page, and make a vow, right now, to never, ever even considering going into ANY business, let alone filmmaking.

The problem is, Gary truly thought his logic made sense.  And I’ve heard variations on this argument before – “My film is about cancer and there are X million people in the country with cancer,” “Do you know how many people love their dog?  If even 1% of those people buy a movie ticket we can’t lose!” and “Men love tits!  You throw some tits in there and you have a winner!” (actually, this one’s not entirely untrue….)

Gary even wanted to change the name to reflect the stuttering element.  And his new title?  Wait for it…

Wait for it….

Wait…

Trust me, it’s worth it…

“S-S-Suds, t-t-too!”  I really want to laugh and if there weren’t tragedy in the tale I probably would.  Since you don’t know this man, dear readers, you have my permission to laugh, but since I know and remember him, I just can’t.  If he’d been some clueless millionaire who had blown a small chunk of his wealth on this project, I would laug.  I probably would have laughed right in his face.  I would have laughed in his daughter’s face when she told me I had to marry her, but I digress…  The chasm that is indy filmmaker sucked him and he’d pay the price the rest of his life.  Obviously, the film was never released, Gary new made back a dime…and I have no idea what ever happened to him.

Now, there are plenty of lessons in this story and I’m sure anyone sitting here reading this is probably saying, “God, that’s so stupid, what was he thinking!” and they’re right to do so.  The thing is, 90% of those same people, when they go out to make their first movie, can and will have exactly the same thing said about them.  ”Of course he failed!  Who would think people would want to see a movie about stuttering!  My movie is about ferrets and everyone loves ferrets!”….(sigh)

My advise, and it’s going to  be another variation of probably a dozen previous posts – if you haven’t worked in the film business for a few years already and want to make a movie, the first thing you have to admit is that you know nothing about.  So you either need to learn and/or surround yourself with people who do.  Find a producer, director, writer who made a cheap little film that you liked and/or made money or at least got out there into the market.  If he got his film in Redbox or Netflix or the video stores, he did something right.  If you’ve never been on a set, don’t try to be the director.  If you’ve never produced, don’t be producer or at least don’t produce alone.

There is a saying that holds true in every business in the world and moreso in film – “If you want to succeed, surround yourself with people smarter than yourself.”  That has always been my motto…the problem is, being the smartest person I know, I’m still looking!

So, what was the biggest drawback with his film, he wanted to know?  Keep in mind I’m big on constructive criticism, here.  I don’t go to a filmmaker with a complete picture and say “I wish you’d gone this direction with the story….”  If there are little changes that I think are possible, I’ll thrown them out.  I’ll point out issues with the audio that need fixing.  I have no problem with berating bad titles.  I have no problem telling a filmmaker he really needs to cut 20 minutes from the picture to make it tighter.   This is a surprisingly common issue among first-time filmmakers…they spend all this time writing, then all this time shooting, then all this time editing a scene and have so much invested at that point they can’t bring themselves to cut it.  But I digress…there are plenty of problems with virtually all indy films, but only a handful are even worth mentioning since the vast majority are beyond repair.  Nate’s biggest problem was, fortunately, an easy one – his poster sucks balls!  It’s terrible.  The thing that bothers me the most is that there’s no way any person wouldn’t know this…but I see it ALL the time.

I can’t fathom that some filmmakers just don’t understand how significant a poster is…especially for a film with no name recognition and no other discernible “hook”.  A good poster is half  the battle…maybe more!  I see posters all the time and the nicest way I can give a filmmaker a virtual slap in the face is to say “Go to the video store.  Tell me if you see ANY box cover that looks anything like that.”  I shouldn’t have to say this.  I makes me wonder what the fuck is going through the head of the filmmaker to send out something packaged like that.  It doesn’t take thousands of dollars to come up with a professional poster.  It can be done for a few hundred.  I’ve found amazing graphic artists willing to do posters for $300-$500 dollars.  Some don’t turn out so well, but some look great.  The fact is, there are TONS of talented artists out there and many, if not most, would love to work on a movie poster.  Yet so many filmmakers settle for using their rudimentary Photoshop skills to come up with their own poster and they are, most times, beyond terrible.  Just because you successfully cut, copy and paste Angelina Jolie’s face onto the naked body of a Penthouse model doesn’t mean you’re good enough with Photoshop to make your own poster….unless your movie happens to be about a incompetent graphic artist who lusts for Angelina Jolie.  (my next project, in fact!)

I know you’re wondering what the poster looked like.  Out of a desire to not embarrass my friend, I won’t post it here, though I would love to.  But, the poster is of a car.  A head-on shot of a car.  The movie isn’t about a car.  In fact, it’s been a couple months since I saw the film, but I don’t even remember this car being in the film…or any car for that matter.  Granted the car looks “scary” since it’s a horror film, but it’s dreadful.  On top of that, the car was drawn/painted.  Not an awesome job, by any means.  On a 1 to 10 scale, this poster is a 1.  So I relayed my strongest objection and he seemed to agree.   So readily, in fact, it seems obvious he KNEW the poster sucked…he certainly didn’t me to confirm it.

Jump forward a couple of months later.  I just got his latest version of the poster.  He went in a totally different direction.  He clearly went with a graphic artist with more talent than the previous (though that may well have been himself).  The bad news?  The new poster still sucks balls…just a different sweaty, hair pair!  It’s still a 1 out of 10!  He went a whole new direction, but this time the image is a hand coming out of the ground, out of a grave.  Could that work for a horror film?  Possibly.  Maybe.  Probably not, but I can’t say never.  The biggest problem…it was a cartoon!  Yes, an animated image.  In case you’re wondering – NO, the film is not animated.  ”Why would you have an animated image on a poster for a film that’s not animated” you might ask?  GOOD GOD DAMN QUESTION!  How did the filmmaker never think to ask himself the same?  Anyone looking at this new poster is going to think the film is animated.  Why wouldn’t they?

Again, I’m consistently amazed that these painfully obvious points even need to be brought up, but they do time and again.  What was the last live action studio film you saw with an animated poster/cover?  When I relayed my sentiments to the filmmakers, he was quick to agree (again).  At least he’s not being stubborn like is so often the case.  So Nate is back to the drawing board…and wasting months of time screwing around with this.

The reality is, you are probably better off having a shitty film with a great poster than a great film with a shitty poster.  If people don’t like the poster, they won’t watch.  If people like the poster, they’ll watch…and if they hate that film at that point, you already have their money.  Anyone else see the logic in this argument?

You can get away with ”unusual” or “original” poster designs in very few cases.  Django Unchained, Tarantino’s newest film has an atypical first poster.  How does it work for him?  He’s Tarantino.  You’re not.

Don’t try to be too original (that actually goes for the movie itself to a greater degree).  If you have stars – show them on the box.  If you have skin to sell the film – put some on the poster.  If your movie is scary – let me know that from the main image.  To this day, I doubt The Casino Job would have made the sales it did without the sharp, sexy poster we had for it.  We sold 100,000 DVDs the first month on a movie with names, no promotional budget and no public awareness.  It wasn’t critics praising the film prior to release that drove the sales (obviously if you saw the film you’ll know why that wasn’t the case).  It was the box.  Blockbuster, Hollywood Video and Redbox loved the box cover.  It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that they didn’t even watch the film.  Why?  Because they already know what I mentioned above – once someone has rented the film, it doesn’t matter that much if they like it…you already have their money.  Some Blockbusters stocked 50 or more copies…that still amazes me!

Your poster is your gatekeeper – you blow that and your film is dead on arrival.  I hope Nate’s next version is better, but I’m concerned after two failed attempts that he just doesn’t get it.  I even told him EXACTLY what I think he should do…let’s see if he’s smart enough to realize my unfaltering brilliance in this area and take my advice to heart.

I’ll keep you posted, dear readers.  That’s off the record, on the Q.T. and very Hush Hush…

The site looked slick, sharp and professionally done.  Always a good start.  It’s amazing how many filmmakers fuck this up right out of the gate.  It shouldn’t be hard to fathom that most people are going to equate “shitty website = shitty film”.  Most websites suck and were put together by a filmmaker with no graphic artist skills who spent a few hours reading up on Wed Design 101 – and it shows.   Last week another producer wrote me about another film.  His site was set up like a novel where you click to flip through the pages.  Each page (actually 2 since it was like a book) was accompanied by the sound effect of pages turning and a sound byte from the movie.  Very annoying actually and not easily navigatable.  The visitor had to view the pages in the order the web designer set them up whether he wanted to or not.  The problem…it was a 52 page “book”.  I didn’t even make it half way.  Why does your film need 52 pages to get a distributor hooked?  I don’t want to see 300 stills from the film.

This latest filmmaker had a nice looking site, so their first check was in the positive box.  Their first BIG negative was their title.  As I’m always careful not to throw people under the bus, I won’t tell you the actual name of the film, but there was a equal sign and a squared sign in the title.  Yes, in the fucking title.  As an example (not the actual title), it was something like Lovers = (Friends)2…  I don’t even know how to type a squared symbol in my blog program!

A distributor sees something like this and it screams – “I’m clueless about how to make a sellable movie!”  Is it clever?  Maybe.  Is it smart or marketable?  Absolutely not!  Do I really need to tell you this?

The next step was to look at the trailer.  As you might expect from the title, it’s an art film…okay, give me a second to remove the virtual hot poker from my eye that I feel every time someone tries to get me to sell their art film.  You shouldn’t be making art films to sell.  You make them to show your friends and family and take around to film festivals so other pretentious people can pat you on the back and tell you why your film is so much “better” than the crap Hollywood is churning out.  The problem is, neither the filmmaker not festival fan grasps that Hollywood does’t want “better” they want more “crap”…”crap that sells”, but it’s still crap.

So I watched the trailer and the film has two HUGE obstacles to overcome.  Obviously, the art film genre is like hacking one of the testicles off the giant penis of marketability.  The fact that there were no recognizable names lopped off the other.  So this ball-less project is pretty much doomed, but it did seem to have very good production value and some neat visual effects which, I presumed from the trailer, where put in to highlight the love story.  It felt kind of like it was trying to be 500 Days of Summer.

Since the film did seem to be possibly put together well, I decided I’d take a look at it, though I was almost positive I’d never pick it up for the company.  I wrote the producer and explained right out of the gate that the genre and lack of stars was a big drawback, however I’d be willing to take a look.  And I asked for a screener.

Now, this is how the business works.  You, the filmmaker, inquire about distribution.  I, the distributor, look over your material, check out your trailer, decide you’re not a totally moron, and agree to watch the film (or as much as I can take without slashing my wrists).  You mail me a DVD.  It’s becoming a bit more common for the producer to make their movie available online with (I hope), some kind of password protection and a disclaimer printed on the screen so no one can download and steal it.  DVDs are still by far the most common, but either is good.

The producer quickly wrote me back explaining they can’t send out screeners at this time.  WHAT THE HELL?  She wouldn’t send me a screener, but she could arrange for a private screening of the film for me.  Do I really need to explain this?  If you haven’t already figured out why this is a problem, that’s fine, just promise me you’ll never be a producer.  Stick to the creative side of things.  I’m sure the producer is concerned about controlling the product and where it goes.  Of course, there is NOTHING to be concerned about if the DVD has a disclaimer since I can’t steal a film that has “FOR SCREENING PURPOSES ONLY” printed across the bottom of the frame!  I’d love to send out inquiries for my novel and when a publisher asks to read it, I’ll respond with “No, I can’t send you a copy, but if you want to come by my house, you can read it here.”

Surprisingly, I took the time to write to the producer and explain why I had no interest in attending a private screening.

1. My time is valuable…at least in my mind.  Why would I invest the extra time to drive to God-knows-where in L.A. instead of popping in a DVD at home?  Even if I lived and worked in L.A., I wouldn’t consider it for an indy film with no stars.

2. You schedule a screening for me, I’m on a clock.  I have to make a point to be there at a certain time instead of being able to watch the film when it’s convenient for me.  Something better might come up…and your project just isn’t that important to me based on a 60 second teaser I saw online.  I might fall in love with your film, but no one falls in love with a trailer.

3. And this is the big one…this is the reason I won’t come to a private screening you offer to set up for me – I can’t walk out after 5 minutes it if sucks…and it probably does!  The vast majority of movies being made are terrible.  And I use the word “terrible” because I can’t think of anything more derogatory to properly encapsulate just how dreadful they actually are.  More than 90% are unwatchable, and by “unwatchable” I actually mean gray matter will leak from your ears and the movie police will confiscate all DVD players and computers in your home for your offense to the business in watching it to completion.  Very few screeners we get in are watched to the end.  Most don’t make it to the halfway point.  That may sound harsh when you’re the person who has invested hundreds or thousands of hours into the movie and asks why I can’t give you 2 hours to respect the effort you put into it.  The answer is – the effort that you put into it was woefully incompetent and I would be wasting hundreds of hours a year I could be spending on more productive endeavors…like popping pimples on my girlfriend’s back.  About half the time, after just 5 minutes (literally) we’re able to ascertain a film is unsellable.  That’s the reality.  Now, maybe I’m too nice a guy (though you probably would never guess that from this blog), but if I make a point to attend a private screening you’ve set up for me, I’m not going to be able to walk out after 5 minutes.  The first 5 minutes could be a guy mowing his law, and I don’t think I’d be heartless enough to get up and walk out.  It could be someone reading the terms and conditions to their credit card agreement.  I’d have a hard time walking out early at all.  It’s hard to walk out of a screening or premiere when you know the filmmaker is in the theatre…even if there are 300 people in the room.  I know, I’ve been there.  Even when The Casino Job had our premiere and I saw unknowing, unexpecting octogenarians walking in and KNEW they’d walk out in the first ten minutes during the full frontal skinny dipping scene, I still kind of hoped they wouldn’t.  They did.  Of course they did.  And if they hadn’t walked out in that scene, it would have happened during the rape scene or the strip club scene (though I’d guess the dirty old man secretly wanted to stay, but the frigid old bag of bones he’d been married to for 60 years wouldn’t let him!).  The movie wasn’t made for them and I knew that.  The audience that movie was made for watched it.  Some liked it, some didn’t, but the movie was made with an audience in mind and it was a large audience…not a wrinkled audience.  The movie made money…but I do remember the handful of people that walked out of the premiere because they were “offended” by the nudity.  Now, if they had been the ONLY people in the theatre, it would have been devastating, obviously.

So I explained to the producer why a private screening didn’t interest me…and probably wouldn’t interest any distributor she was contacting.  To her credit, she seemed to understand, thanked me for the feedback, and promised to get me off a DVD as soon as she could.  We’ll see if that happens.

I’m sure I’ll still give the film a look if and when the producer finally gets around to sending me a DVD…if I have an extra 5 minutes and a razor blade close by….

Joel has three projects he’s pushing.  The main one is a comedy set to be shot in Canada.  One the surface, it looks pretty good, aside from being a comedy…  With a $2.5m budget, taking advantage of Canadian tax credits and incentives, only $900k is actually needed to make the film.  Not bad.  The script is by Harland Williams.  Don’t be embarrassed if you don’t know the name, but you’d recognize him as a comedian and character actor.  I recognize him from my days as a blackjack dealer at the Hard Rock where the cheap bastard played at my table for 2 hours, won over $800 and tipped me $1.50.  That’s right – $1.50.  What a piece of shit.  Like all areas of life, we remember the great and the shitty, the big tippers (Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Keifer Sutherland) as well as the cheap bastards and assholes (Louis Gossett Jr, Jennifer Lopez, Tiger Woods, Harland Williams).  But I digress…

Anyway, my distaste for Harland is not so deep-seeded that I wouldn’t work with the man on the right project.  Seems he has a comedy script that he wrote and can get his “buddies” in the business to help him out.  One of the big names mentioned was David Spade.  Okay, now we’re talking, $2.5m film I can fully finance for $900k with David Spade starring…might make sense.  Next question – “Is Spade committed?”  Response, “Well, once we have the money in place, we can make a formal offer.”  Fail!  Nope, not working.  If he’s Harland’s “buddy”, he should have no problem with a letter of committment or even a letter of intent.  Maybe I live in a different world, but my friend talk with and try to help me even when I’m not standing in front of them with a checkbook…of course, the ladies in my life are a different story….

Tax breakdowns and benefits are a big plus in putting a project together, especially at the seven figure level.  A great, marketable script is another plus.  Granted, I haven’t read this one, and it may be great, but I’ve said it before, comedy is a tough one.  Tough to pull off, tough to sell.  Tougher to sell internationally.  The other red flag, or maybe just a personal pet peeve, is the business plan for films that contain a “comperables” chart showing the absolute most successful films in that budget and/or genre.  Don’t tell me your film is going to be the next “Anchorman”!  It doesn’t have Will Farrell.  That was a $26m film and a studio was behind it.  The ONLY thing they have in common is they’re both comedies.  I’ve got a vampire script I might be shooting soon…I’m not telling people it might be the next “Twilight” (not sure if that’s good or bad).  Don’t suggest your film is going to be the next “Napoleon Dynamite” any more than you allude your horror film is going to be the next Blair Witch Project.  That angle may work with people outside the business who are dumb enough to think their $10,000 investment in their nephew’s film is going to set them up to retire in the Bahamas.  The fact is, if you take that approach with me, I assume you’re completely delusional.  Make realistic comparisons and show that you don’t have your head completely up your ass.  A prospective filmmaker who tells me he’s hoping for a 50% return to the investors is far more impressive than one who says he expects his partners to see 1000% return.

So, looks like I’m out on that one.  Of course, it doesn’t help that the guy trying to get me to help him make a movie has spent more than 5 years trying to finish his first.  Finish that film, Joel!  Sell it!  Turn a small profit and you suddenly have credibility in a business that’s 99% bullshit.  That should be where everyone in this business aspires to be.

Now, he did point out that she’s an Academy Award nominee.  He didn’t have to remind me that her nomination took place before I was born.  Please know, I’m not trying to demean Karen Black in any way; she was in some great films a long time ago.  I just have to shake my head that a producer/director can think that getting an actress that has been out of the spotlight for decades is a big deal…or even a medium deal.  In fact, how can he think it’s anything but a small deal.  Actually, is there a smaller word for “deal” itself so I can accurately describe my thoughts on this?

So, I’m sure it’s surprising to him, but I’m still no impressed enough with the cast to put money into his project.  Now, maybe, if he writes me next week that he’s locked down Bob Saget’s gardener…

This friend, Randy (not his real name), has made one film to date.  Actually, he’s made one very good film to date.  For having a very small budget, he did a wonderful job.  I’m impressed and I don’t give out that accolade lightly.  He put together a hell of a cast and crew and delivered a project that’s solid in every respect.  Recently finished, I have no doubt he’ll get it out there…I’d even be very surprised if it didn’t turn a profit…I just hope the distributor he’s working with doesn’t screw him.

So, he’s developing a new project and wanted some advice.  Actually, now that I think about, maybe he didn’t want advise at all, maybe he just wanted to share with me his ideas for the new project, but it ended up in advice from me.  Lots of it, in fact.  He’s stepping up his budget and wants to do a comedy for the next project.  Right out of the gate, I warned him that, all things being equal, not the best genre to start with.  Comedy is very tough to pull off.  Everything thinks they have a sense of humor and are funny; very few people actually are.  Even those who are often fall on their faces when it comes to making a film.  But Randy wasn’t remotely deterred.  ”We have an amazing script!”  Okay, I told him I’d take a look.

I read Randy’s comedy script.  For what one person’s opinion is worth – not funny.  Not at all funny.  I don’t mean “not hysterical”.  I don’t mean “not terribly funny”.  I mean “not funny”.  I mean “not funny at all”.  I’ve read comedy scripts that had me laughing out loud a dozen or more times and chuckling regularly the rest of the time.  I got one half-chuckle out the entire script.  Any by half-chuckle, in retrospect, it may have just been gas.

I relayed these concerns to Randy who assures me that a lot of people have read the script and they all think it’s great.  In fact, I’m the only voice of dissent out of everyone.  Fair enough.  Obviously I could be completely wrong on this one.  My opinion should carry no more weight than any other sexy, talented, film genius out there, so we talked a bit more about the project.

Even if he’s got a winner, even if he’s got a very funny script, he still has to translate that to the screen.  A tough task indeed.  His writer is a first time writer who is also going to be a first time director.  Another big concern Iwarned Randy about…to no avail again.  Seems Randy is sold on this guy.  Clearly he admires him.  I can respect that.  I’m not sure how admiration relates to the ability to direct a film, but Randy seems to think so.

I went on to impress (or try to impress) that comedy is a tough sell internationally.  What we find funny in this country is vastly different than other parts of the world which is why many comedies don’t make the same level of international sales as more mainstream genre films.  It seems my pleas have fallen on deaf ears.

I like Randy and think he’s got great potential.  I’m also convinced this sophomore effort will be a tremendous flop.  I hope I’m wrong, but I think it’ll take a miracle.

If I were a betting man, I’d bet against the miracle every time…

Seems I digressed considerably.  The actual reason for the call from the Tommy, was that he’s looking for $200k to make a film and wanted to know if I’d be interested in getting involved since I do, on ocassion, do that kind of thing.  Now, since he’s only and actor and not the producer on the other film, I wasn’t able to play the obvious card of “I’m sorry, I only invest in films that are complete in the same decade!”  He made his pitch and said that they already had half the money committed.  Since the money is always the hardest part, I told him to send along his proposal.  Now, here is my piece of wisdom for the day, dear wouldbe filmmakers – the business proposal you send to friends, family, doctors, dentists and ANYONE ELSE NOT in the film business will look drastically different than what you present to people who know filmmaking.  It seems every film business plan that comes across my desk from newbies tells me how they have a home room since they can make the film for $200k and they make Blair Witch Project and El Mariachi for less than that!  Yes, every 10 years an ultra low budget film breaks through.  This is an anamoly.  To try to put yourself in that category, at least to me, tells me just how unrealistic you are.  But shouldn’t this just be common sense?  If I write a young adult book, I’m not going to write a publisher saying “This is the next Harry Potter.”  For that matter, I’m not going to say “Look how well the Bible did and my book is WAY easier to read than that!”  So, I looked at them material and wasn’t excited about the project.  I didn’t even need to read the script at that point…there are plenty of great scripts made into good movies that lose money.  I wrote him back (far less harshly than I bear myself to you on this site) with a few notes:

1. If you’re going to people in the film business, craft your business plan to that audience. (see above)

2. On a $200k film, anyone in the business is going to want to see a name.  Any name.  That does not mean a guy who appeared for a season on an afternoon kids show and got 6th billing 5 years earlier.  At that budget, you need to find a way to get a name that most people have heard of.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a supporting role.  I doesn’t matter if it’s a “declining” actor.  In fact, some incredible deals can be had if your timing is right (yes, there’s a circling vulture aspect to indy filmmaking, I’ve learned to live with my carrion qualities).

3. For the love of god, CHANGE THAT TITLE!  The title was a Spanish word.  Not a Spanish word I’d even heard of.  You might be able to get away with “Loco” or “Diablo” in your title, but the title was name of a small city in Mexico.  In fact, I don’t even know if it’s a real city or not.  We’re not talking “Cabo San Lucas – the movie”.  A city name, in Spanish, that possibly doesn’t even exist.  THAT is the title.   A title that tells nothing about the movie.  A title that most Americans can’t even pronounce.  And, yes, it is going to be an English language film, so there are no excuses.

Now, again, I relayed these points as honestly and non-douchbaggy as possible.  And guess what the response was that I got?  You probably already know, don’t you?

Nothing.  Not so much as a thanks.  Not even a “I think you’re wrong” or “You’ll see!”.  Nothing at all.  So, sure, I’ll spend an hour with you on the phone and review your material and give you good, solid feedback and what you should do to improve your odds as long as you promise to completely disrespect me and not even take ten seconds to acknowledge my time.  Way to burn that bridge, Tommy, because I wasn’t throwing money at your work-in-progress business plan.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…there is no room for ego in this game.  Not at the level we’re in this.  There’s no excuse for it even at the top and it can only blow up in your face.  Even Steven Seagal sent himself down in flames because of ego.  If you don’t know the story, he was working with Warner and had been consistently making medium-large hits for them (if you’re my age you remember this era).  As the story goes, he was such an asshole that the President of Warner came out in a press conference and said, and I’m paraphrasing here – “Mr. Seagal consistently makes movies for us that make money, but money isn’t everything.  He’s just too much of a pain in the ass for us to want to keep working with him.”  FUCK!  How big of an asshole do you have to be when people won’t put up with you even to make tens of millions of dollars?

So check that ego at the door…or I won’t allow you to bask in my greatness!

The latest film I’m involved with is now done.

My hats off to the team including stars Danny Trejo, Steven Bauer, Oscar Torre and Camila Banus for their outstanding work.

I’ve no doubt the film will find a good home and big distributor to handle it domestically.

Who would have thought?..aside from EVERYONE!